I am standing at the precipice of who I used to be and who I’m meant to be. All that’s left is one final step over the edge and into the fullness of faith. It’s not that I’m afraid of falling. I’ve fallen before. I know what that feels like. I have more trepidation about the possibility of succeeding.
I’ve been working in my present day job since August and I’m finally in a good groove. I’m less stressed, more present, and more intentional in how I spend my time. I’m not perfect, by any means. I definitely have bad days, but overall, I know without a doubt that I am where I am supposed to be right now.
That being said, I also know that someday this will change. It’s the nature of life, and it’s the nature of our call to step into the plan and purposes that God has for us. I have zero plans to change this day career that I can actually say I love, but I know that my calling as a writer and as a woman of ministry will become more demanding in the future. I have faith these roles will balance themselves out when the time comes. For right now, I can focus on the present, which is made possible by the freedom and time given to me by this current job.
I’ve been hit with ideas and dreams and goals and writing experiments. I’ve been bouncing them all off of a close friend and confidant and growing more and more excited as these ideas develop into tangible, workable projects. I’m working on the future of Messy Bun Mantras and I feel like I can finally see this path with clarity.
It all comes back to Jesus. It should, after all. The cry of my heart is to know and be known by my God. My desire is to be used to minister to women and to further the Kingdom. I can see the point of no return – stepping over the line means fully surrendering to God and declaring “I’m all in.”
If not me, then who? If not now, then when?
I’m not afraid to fail. I’m not even afraid to say “yes” and give Him everything. I’m afraid of missing out if I don’t. I’m afraid of what He might ask of me, knowing that my answer will be “yes” otherwise what’s the point? Nervous fear. Anxious fear. I’m not afraid He’ll call me to something big and then abandon me to it. I’m afraid because I know He will use me. He will equip me. He will be there. I’m afraid because I am human and doubt my own strength. I’m afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone. I’m afraid because I’ve seen Him move in the lives of His people and in my own life, and I know what happens when someone says “yes” to a big God….big things happen.
I am not a big person. I don’t have a big personality, big visions, or even big plans. But I have dreams, goals, and desires. I have a story…well, multiple stories. I have the skills and the time and the drive it takes to contribute to something bigger than myself.
More importantly, I have a big God who is more than capable of handling my fears and doubts and more than willing to provide me with what I need to succeed for His glory.
Hang on tight folks. Pray for me as I step off that precipice.
I’ve got a feeling big things are coming.